25 and not Married

                                           

I’ve reached that shame. I mean stage. I am a 25 years old Congolese woman and I’m still not married yet- not even a Mr. Potential.  In this case, most African woman might contemplate to stop looking for Mr. Right and settle for Mr. Alright because they’re not getting any younger. Before you do ladies, ask yourselves these questions;

‘Should I really drop my standards for the sake of having a marriage?’

 ‘Is my culture worth more than my happiness?’

 ‘Is marriage going to fulfill me at this point in my life?’

50 years ago the answer might have been yes, when African women lived in patriarchal control and their sole aim was to live for a family and nothing more. Independence was frowned upon.  When Congo received independence in 1960, there were only four graduates in the whole country (the size of Western Europe) and all were male. 53 years later we haven’t made much progress as most managerial, official and government jobs are still taken by men and not many women are graduating.  Patriarchy is still prevalent and women’s rights not exercised much and women in Congo still live this way in acquiescent. Happily.

 Sadly to say, this mindset even exists in African culture here in the UK. Our parents who were born and raised in Africa and came over to the UK at a later age still cling to this mentality and expect us to have the same ideals. So when you reach 25 and haven’t even met a potential, they remind you at their age they were married with 3 children.

The mistake our parents fail to realise is that living in Africa and living in the UK are two totally different experiences where we have more freedom and choices to do what we want here in the UK along with the opportunity to do and aim for more in life than just settling down to get married and having a family.

Now I’m not anti-marriage or bitter that I’m not married before you begin to wonder, neither am I trying to rant against Congolese or African culture. I once read a sign that said, ‘a man is like a parking spot, the good ones are always taken; the rest are too far away’. In most Congolese households, and I presume most African ones (I could be wrong), 25-28 are the most critical ages where all eyes now turn to you, waiting in anticipation until you bring a man home for the ‘presentation’. The presentation is when the man would come to your parents house along with several family members to present himself to your family and say ‘I am the official man in your daughter’s life and I would like you to know that because I want to ask for her hand in marriage’ (as if he hadn't already proposed earlier to her). Her family would then say ‘Is that so? In that case here is a list of things we want in exchange for her including 4 goats, Versace shoes, five 20kg bags of Basmati Tilda rice,  £2000 in cash, African wraps and the head of a train’. This list really does vary from family to family and their level of needs. However, in Congolese culture, if nobody is knocking at your door around those crucial ages, then there is something wrong with you. ‘How can a fine woman like you not be getting married proposals?’ people start muttering. Tongues start wagging, and you begin to wonder whether you’ve gone past your expiry date.

It also doesn't help when everyone around you is changing their relationship status on Facebook to ‘engaged’, the countless wedding invitations, (Between 2012-2013 I received 17 and I’m not even joking), or the church aunties who keep asking you if you’ve met someone and when you reply ‘no’ they respond, ‘Don’t worry, the devil is a liar, we will break the yoke of singleness and pray against this spirit of unwantedness’.  Thanks aunty, if I didn't feel like killing myself, I certainly do now.

We all know in Western culture there isn't a right time to get married (the right time is when you’re ready) so we shouldn't rush. And before your parents say ‘but we’re Africans’  we have to remind them we don’t live in Africa as much as Africa still lives in us. This is not a competition and we’re not in race against time or others however I understand as an African woman, my culture tells me otherwise and my mother wants grandchildren. This is the issue that many young Congolese women face and I worry that pressure and expectations from culture and parents is what is causing so many young African girls to rush too soon into marriages before they even know how to cook fufu.  I fear that most young women are more in love with the idea of getting married than actually being married itself.

 Let’s be honest, the reason our parents moved to the West was because they felt there were better education, more opportunities and a greater standard of life than back home. Many of them made immense sacrifices for their children and some even gave up their own dreams for their children to succeed. We are going to universities, getting degrees but not pursuing our careers  or achieving our full potential as we quickly settle into  marriage for fear of being the last girl on the shelf and become complacent, but for how long will this last before we realise that marriage is not the be all and end all? Yes it’s a beautiful thing but it’s a lifelong commitment which says ‘till death do us part’.

 When you’re doing you and reaching those goals, the laws of attraction shows that you will meet an equally driven partner so you don’t have to settle for anything less than your best.  Guests and family members will be happy and filled with food on your wedding day but when that’s all done, reality hits. Then it’s just you and him. We need to think carefully before rushing into this chapter of our lives and first have to be happy and fulfilled within ourselves before we can be with a husband. We have to be assets and not liabilities to others.

 I would rather be happy and alone for the rest of my life than rush to get married because my biological clock is ticking and be unhappy with someone, even if it’s just for the sake of kids.

Before you say ‘our parents did it’, we need to remember society was different back then. Our parents set examples for us to follow so we take what we learned from them, apply it to what we have now and also set examples for our children.

The reality is, it’s not written for every woman to get married, that’s just the nature of the beast because the ratio of women to men in this universe is about 3:1.  If you’re meant to meet him you will meet him. We can’t fight the forces of nature.  So if you’re 25 and not married and worrying, relax, you’ve got your whole life ahead of you. Literally.  The world is your oyster.