Stick to Dating Your Own Culture!

‘No Nigerian, Ghanaian or a Jamaican man is welcome in my house. If you’re going to marry a foreigner, marry a white man’.

These were the words my friend’s mother had vehemently told her daughter when she informed her that she was dating a Nigerian man because she was tired of Congolese men.

‘Why? Why is it better for me to be with a white man than it is to be with a Nigerian?’ my friend had defiantly challenged her mother to my dismay (anybody knows better than to challenge an African mother!).

‘White people don’t have much culture; it’s easy to adapt either way. Why would you want to be with a Nigerian?  Look how strong their culture is. Are there no more Congolese men? Stop wasting your time; you’ll regret it when you get older. How many marriages do you know of people from two different African countries that have lasted till old age? No. Stick to your own culture. It’s for your own good’, her mother had adamantly added in my presence. 

I took those words ‘It’s for your own good’ and ‘stick to your own’ and began to ponder on it. Was it really for our own good to find our life partners within our own culture? Could we really say that relationships would be easier if were with someone who was from the same origin? And why was it better to date a white person rather than another African country?

I decided to do a bit of digging on  people’s perspective who were of African origin to find out what their views on intercultural dating was and below are some of the responses:

 ‘Love is love’, Jennifer, 23* Angolan

‘I would only prefer to date a Congolese man because we both understand each other’s cultures. The connection is just better because we can relate in many ways since we’ve had similar upbringing’ Sarah* 24, Congolese

‘I love my Ghanaian brothers, especially those who can speak my tribal language. I don’t want to speak English in my household. Especially when telling jokes, it just doesn’t sound the same in English’ Nana* 24, Ghanaian

I will be with anyone as long as they are compatible to me and I’m attracted to them. I don’t care too much for things like dowry. I’m British’ Christopher* 28, Nigerian

‘As long as they are not Jamaican’ Bijoux* 28, Congolese

‘Dating someone from your own background has far more positive than dating someone from another background such as cultural understanding, speaking the same language etc. Also family disappointments are a minimum. I’ve brought a Nigerian, Jamaican and Congolese home. I would prefer to date someone from the same country as me. It’s just easier’   Bridgette*, 25 Congolese

‘I don’t mind as long as I am happy and they love me that is all that matters’ Dora* 28, Zimbabwe

The responses I got all varied from person to person and what I found was that those who immersed themselves exclusively into their own culture, (i.e. church, parties, gatherings) despite being in a very mixed society were the ones who were still adamant that it was easier and preferred to date within their own culture.

So, am I saying that those who date outside of their culture are not in tune with their own? Certainly not, but they certainly have embraced other cultures more and are willing to look past any obstacles that may come in the way.

‘The problem is, language is the major issue’ 36 year old Alexi* from Congo told me. ‘For most of us English is not our first language, we think in our mother tongue then translate it into English.  If you can communicate with someone in a language that you both feel comfortable with, it makes being with that person easier.  In Africa, those who speak the same language have a similar culture. I can get with someone from Cameroon or Ivory Coast because they speak French but not a Nigerian or a Ghanaian’.

I agreed with Alexi. Being a fluent English speaker who also communicated with her parents in her mother tongue, I had my moments when I would slip in and out of languages which felt comfortable. When I spoke to another Congolese person they understood me but when I spoke to someone who didn't speak my mother tongue, conversations couldn't be as natural as I wanted it to be.  A Ghanaian friend of mine had said ‘My (Jamaican) boyfriend really tried to speak my language because he realised that it was important to me’.

In my opinion, a twenty something years old Congolese woman who has grown up in the city of London, a city I like to call the ethnic capital of Europe, dating someone from a different culture was not a problem. I went to a secondary school that was predominantly West African  and attended a university that was predominantly white, so my choices were wide and I dated a few of those choices. In fact I wasn't into my own culture as much because I grew up along a lot of other nationalities, in what I call ‘London culture’. Outside our homes, we spoke the same street language, ate the same type of food, into the same type of music and attracted to the same type of guys (or girls). There was no cultural preference except they had to speak English and couldn't be a ‘freshie’ (someone who’s recently moved to the UK from Africa). They were the ones who you couldn't be with. 

However, as I got older and began to date these other countries, I realised there was always some form of barrier that stood in the way, almost like a culture clash and language I felt was the  ultimate clash  as it  is one of the key definitions of culture.  It didn't help when I went to their houses and the family would purposely speak in their language to exclude me which reminded me that I wasn't one of them.  Hence the reason I began to sway towards guys who were like minded and were from my own culture that I can relate to. ‘Dating is one thing, but marriage is another’ an aunty told me. Clearly marriage and dating are two different things but what are the fundamental factors we put in place when it comes to deciding who we date or marry? Does culture play a part in this?

I know my family would be pleased if I brought a Congolese man home but what if in doing this is to my own detriment? Love is love as mentioned earlier but can we love within boundaries so that we can save ourselves the trouble mixed cultures might bring in the future as some elders say or do we deal with it as they come?

Nowadays in this current generation we don’t so much as bat an eyelid when we see mixed couples but as one uncle put it to me, ‘Where would you live when you retire? England is not your home, if you married a Nigerian how would you cope if he wanted to retire in Nigeria? Think about it. I doubt he will want to move back to DR. Congo. You will just die in Nigeria. Love blinds common sense’.

The idea of retiring in a country totally unfamiliar to me is quite daunting and something I know would take a lot of discussion with my future partner if he happened to be of another heritage.  Additionally, having to decide which culture my children followed more or which one dominated in my household is also another thing that I have to consider as culture is something which I find very important and needs to be implemented so we do not lose our African identity.

In our parents’ generation we know marrying within their own culture, even tribe, was paramount as they tried to maintain cultural cohesion and identity.  However, even in Congo a country which boasts vast history and tribalism, there came a time when under the President Mobutu regime, he encouraged tribes and regions to unite and not to stay within themselves as he understood that a united Congo meant a stronger state.  We can apply this method to our argument and say that perhaps if we as Africans marry other African countries, could we also have a stronger and united Africa? Is dating outside our own culture an advantage or a drawback? 

 An older woman had asked me ‘How many mixed cultured couples do you know who have grown old together?’ True I didn’t know any mixed elderly couples but I beg to differ and say perhaps it is because there is more diversity of Africans living in the diaspora across the West than it was 30 years ago. Furthermore, since we are now a new generation who have embraced this cultural difference, could we be the example for the future of the mixed cultured couples that lasted when we become elderly or not?