Choosing Joy Over Happiness

I’m not going to lie, I’m starting to feel a certain way.  Somewhere between I miss home and why am I here? I made up my mind to come to Africa because I wanted to take myself out of my comfort zone and try do something different. I no longer wanted to live up to the expectations of other people.  I wanted to write this blog to document my journey but it seems now I just want to document my heart.
                
            

I’m the sort of person who is usually quite open to others, however, trying to be open with myself and really uncovering all my layers is proving difficult. Do I really know who I am? I know what others think I am and I’m usually quite good with living up to that because I know how to say and do all the right things, but somehow I can’t live up to my inner woman. I like to give the impression that I do but I don’t feel that I’ve really connected to her and brought her out for the world to see. People see different parts of me. I see different parts of me because I’ve compartmentalised parts I’m too ashamed off, too embarrassed of or to shy of but these shortcomings are what makes me me.

Embracing my inner woman

When we went to the village on the outskirts of Accra to sign some kids up who were unable to go to school due to lack of resources, I got distracted and began playing with some of them. We had so much fun and that’s when I realised joy and happiness are two different things.

Having a song and dance with the village children

You can’t feign joy but you can pretend to be happy. These kids in the village had nothing to pretend about. What they had when we played and sang songs and they ran about in tattered clothes or semi naked whilst laughing their head off wasn’t happiness, it was joy. Something that I desperately wanted. Joy comes from within despite your situations but still choosing to be positive. Happiness only depends on when your situation is going well. These children taught me this.  I realised in order to connect with my inner woman I had to be joyful despite my circumstances.  Life is not going to be a bed of roses, there are plenty of thorns in it. I believe my inner woman already knows that but each time hardship happens I tend to stay away from connecting with her, being real with my emotions or real with myself like ‘Mel it’s not ok now but it’s going to be ok. It’s ok to cry’. I’m determined to make a change.

Just look at those smiles

                            

What I found was when I looked at some of these faces here in Ghana, I found the parts of me that I didn’t want people to see. I found the scared little girl who didn’t understand why her mother had left her so young, I found the flight attendant who lived most of her life in the clouds and I found myself in the face of the children who were performing their school play and dance but still braved a smile on their face despite going back to the hardship of their situation. I watched these children sing, dance and act with their faded school uniform but for some reason they looked more free than I felt within myself.

Choosing joy over happiness

                    

I’ve tried religion, I’ve tried to be this afro wearing knowledge of self black queen but I’ve realised I actually haven’t really tried myself and that’s just Mel. First I must love and accept myself.  What I haven’t tried is to live a life filled with joy. 

                                    

xxx