Sex- The Abominable Subject amongst African Parents

                       

Do you ever recall the time when you would be watching a movie with your parents, talking and laughing, then suddenly a sex scene comes on which seems to drag on forever? Then there’s that awkward silence that falls over the room and everyone is trying to find the remote control at once but for some reason it seems as if even the remote control has also gone into hiding, ashamed to be in the presence of such a scene? Too often that happened in my household. Nollywood movies were family bonding sessions, however ever since Nollywood went Hollywood, I ceased watching movies with my parents. It was more for their sake because I didn't want them to feel embarrassed. Sex was the unspoken taboo that nobody dared to mention so watching it was a silent abomination.  It was easier to act like it didn't exist.

However it did and it does exist. We live in a sexually charged generation, in a society where anything sexual is what is at the forefront of everything that sells. Sex is the universal act that triggers a common feeling amongst people whether in the Bandundu region of Congo or in metropolitan cities like London, so why has some of our African parents avoided teaching us this very important thing whilst growing up? Why is it an unspoken rule not to mention sex in a sex crazed world? How do we learn without being taught?

There is an African proverb that says ‘It takes a whole village to raise a child’ but we all know that education first begins at home so if our parents don’t teach us about sex education then ultimately we will learn it elsewhere, whether it leads to our detriment or not depending on how we learned it.  I always say a lesson hard learned should teach a person not to make the same mistake twice, but what do you do when that mistake scars you for life? And who is to blame? Sex education at school was the first time some of us received it, if not the only time.  Some of us in our twenties are still waiting to have that ‘talk’ with our parents. Some will die waiting.

As a Congolese woman I’ve noticed that there is a culture of silence amongst my community with the older generation on grave matters such as sex or domestic violence, in order to preserve cultural survival and continuity. Nobody wants to be the one who appears to be different and be used as the example that other people in the community talk about.   ‘We’re not white, we don’t do things how they do’, I’ve often heard said.  If we were to break the silence and speak out it would almost be like rocking the harmony of the nest so we remain quiet and act like we have no senses. 

As second generation Congolese children growing up in the UK, many of us adopt this culture of silence with our parents so when we need them the most during those crucial transitioning stage in our lives where our curiosity is enticed and we begin to develop sexual desires, we don’t even think to raise this with our parents. They’ve never spoken about this to us or made this subject approachable so it becomes an uncomfortable subject between both parties. However, I believe parents need to ask themselves, are we really preserving cultural identity by keeping quiet about sex before marriage? Young people are having sex outside of marriage regardless and STI’s and teenage pregnancies is rampant in our community so who is to blame for this?

Prevention is better than intervention but refusing to speak to your children about sex will not prevent them from having sex. It might even drive them more to find out about this thing that is so intriguing elsewhere.  In fact, some parents will only know their children have been having sex once they fall pregnant out of wedlock; whilst others still believe their godly sons and daughters who attend church every Sundays, Wednesdays and youth groups on a Friday are still virgins till this day (of course there are some who are).

These are the Africans who mix religious beliefs of no sex before marriage to avoid the conversation with their children in this sexually crazed generation and leave it to the pastor to preach to their children. Too many of us have been cuckooed behind churches so we don’t even have the courage to voice it. It’s deemed wrong, fornication is dealt with harshly and shamed so imagine how the 16 year old girl who’s been sheltered all her life falls pregnant whilst in the youth group at church feels? Like the Devil’s child, that’s how we’re made to believe. The reality is, she’s a sexual being who felt compelled to explore these sexual desires due to her curiosity and had someone spoke to her prior perhaps things might have been different for her. I’m sure some 1^st generation adults experimented with the condom when it was first invented, (You mean I can have sex and there’s something that can actually prevent me from getting pregnant??), as we know in African culture back then, getting pregnant outside of wedlock was the ultimate shame.

I remember back when a few girls I knew growing up fell pregnant really young (about 14 and 15)  and were sent back to Africa (no mercy, zero tolerance) at the time I blamed the girls for their stupidity, but growing up I blamed the parents for their lack of educating their daughters. To punish children for having sex without ever talking to them is not the best method of teaching them. This creates an even greater division between parents and their children because when you don’t communicate something for so long, it becomes even harder to get to a point in developing a relationship to raise it. So what is it about our parents that they choose to ignore this important part of our lives? And only feel it’s relevant to speak to their children about it after they get married?

Some of our parents might have spoken about boyfriends/girlfriends but would never even mention sex. Did they choose to ignore this factor or were they hopeful that we would wait until marriage?  I decided to do a Google search to see if I can find any online articles regarding attitudes towards sex amongst the African community and most of the articles I came across led to HIV/AIDS. The scare factor dominates the education factor. Yes diseases exist but how can we explain to our children about diseases if we don’t talk to them about the act of sex?

The question is when is the best time to speak our children about sex? Is it when they start playing mummies and daddies with their dollies? Or perhaps it’s when they hit puberty or maybe it’s when they meet their first boyfriend or girlfriend. The lucky ones might get it the night before their wedding day. I’ve found the best way some parents thought to communicate about sex was easy, not to communicate it at all.  

We need to re-evaluate the way as Africans we address this issue of sex in this generation.  The truth is its happening. No matter how much parents close their ears and shut their eyes, young men and young women will have probably experienced a sexual encounter at some point in their developmental stages. The world as it stands gives us access to so many things easily.

I was in Kinshasa, Congo, last summer 2013 for the first time and was shocked at how much Western influence there was in a lot of things in the capital, which made me realise that Africa is not remaining stagnant with culture but are also progressing with time. Though the authentic taste of culture is still there, there is still a strong sense of the West.

1^st generation Africans who moved over from Africa to the UK or other parts of the West, still cling to their mentalities of being back home and what their parents taught them, but what needs to be understood is that they are now giving birth to children who are born into an ever changing culture and society in the West. If second generation children have never lived back home they cannot do things according to how it’s done back home so it’s up to the parents. However communication holds the key to any relationship. In order to have a better relationship and trust, parents need to speak to their children about sex before anybody else does. Parents also need to understand that speaking might not deter them from having sex but it could prevent a lot of unforeseen circumstances. Cultural survival and continuity can still exist if we educate our kids in line with the society we live in.

The drawback, as a friend of mine stated, is the fact an adult must be equipped enough before entering a sex conversation with their child and maybe parenting classes would be a methodology to input these skills, but how many parents would like to attend this type of class?

25 and not Married

                                           

I’ve reached that shame. I mean stage. I am a 25 years old Congolese woman and I’m still not married yet- not even a Mr. Potential.  In this case, most African woman might contemplate to stop looking for Mr. Right and settle for Mr. Alright because they’re not getting any younger. Before you do ladies, ask yourselves these questions;

‘Should I really drop my standards for the sake of having a marriage?’

 ‘Is my culture worth more than my happiness?’

 ‘Is marriage going to fulfill me at this point in my life?’

50 years ago the answer might have been yes, when African women lived in patriarchal control and their sole aim was to live for a family and nothing more. Independence was frowned upon.  When Congo received independence in 1960, there were only four graduates in the whole country (the size of Western Europe) and all were male. 53 years later we haven’t made much progress as most managerial, official and government jobs are still taken by men and not many women are graduating.  Patriarchy is still prevalent and women’s rights not exercised much and women in Congo still live this way in acquiescent. Happily.

 Sadly to say, this mindset even exists in African culture here in the UK. Our parents who were born and raised in Africa and came over to the UK at a later age still cling to this mentality and expect us to have the same ideals. So when you reach 25 and haven’t even met a potential, they remind you at their age they were married with 3 children.

The mistake our parents fail to realise is that living in Africa and living in the UK are two totally different experiences where we have more freedom and choices to do what we want here in the UK along with the opportunity to do and aim for more in life than just settling down to get married and having a family.

Now I’m not anti-marriage or bitter that I’m not married before you begin to wonder, neither am I trying to rant against Congolese or African culture. I once read a sign that said, ‘a man is like a parking spot, the good ones are always taken; the rest are too far away’. In most Congolese households, and I presume most African ones (I could be wrong), 25-28 are the most critical ages where all eyes now turn to you, waiting in anticipation until you bring a man home for the ‘presentation’. The presentation is when the man would come to your parents house along with several family members to present himself to your family and say ‘I am the official man in your daughter’s life and I would like you to know that because I want to ask for her hand in marriage’ (as if he hadn't already proposed earlier to her). Her family would then say ‘Is that so? In that case here is a list of things we want in exchange for her including 4 goats, Versace shoes, five 20kg bags of Basmati Tilda rice,  £2000 in cash, African wraps and the head of a train’. This list really does vary from family to family and their level of needs. However, in Congolese culture, if nobody is knocking at your door around those crucial ages, then there is something wrong with you. ‘How can a fine woman like you not be getting married proposals?’ people start muttering. Tongues start wagging, and you begin to wonder whether you’ve gone past your expiry date.

It also doesn't help when everyone around you is changing their relationship status on Facebook to ‘engaged’, the countless wedding invitations, (Between 2012-2013 I received 17 and I’m not even joking), or the church aunties who keep asking you if you’ve met someone and when you reply ‘no’ they respond, ‘Don’t worry, the devil is a liar, we will break the yoke of singleness and pray against this spirit of unwantedness’.  Thanks aunty, if I didn't feel like killing myself, I certainly do now.

We all know in Western culture there isn't a right time to get married (the right time is when you’re ready) so we shouldn't rush. And before your parents say ‘but we’re Africans’  we have to remind them we don’t live in Africa as much as Africa still lives in us. This is not a competition and we’re not in race against time or others however I understand as an African woman, my culture tells me otherwise and my mother wants grandchildren. This is the issue that many young Congolese women face and I worry that pressure and expectations from culture and parents is what is causing so many young African girls to rush too soon into marriages before they even know how to cook fufu.  I fear that most young women are more in love with the idea of getting married than actually being married itself.

 Let’s be honest, the reason our parents moved to the West was because they felt there were better education, more opportunities and a greater standard of life than back home. Many of them made immense sacrifices for their children and some even gave up their own dreams for their children to succeed. We are going to universities, getting degrees but not pursuing our careers  or achieving our full potential as we quickly settle into  marriage for fear of being the last girl on the shelf and become complacent, but for how long will this last before we realise that marriage is not the be all and end all? Yes it’s a beautiful thing but it’s a lifelong commitment which says ‘till death do us part’.

 When you’re doing you and reaching those goals, the laws of attraction shows that you will meet an equally driven partner so you don’t have to settle for anything less than your best.  Guests and family members will be happy and filled with food on your wedding day but when that’s all done, reality hits. Then it’s just you and him. We need to think carefully before rushing into this chapter of our lives and first have to be happy and fulfilled within ourselves before we can be with a husband. We have to be assets and not liabilities to others.

 I would rather be happy and alone for the rest of my life than rush to get married because my biological clock is ticking and be unhappy with someone, even if it’s just for the sake of kids.

Before you say ‘our parents did it’, we need to remember society was different back then. Our parents set examples for us to follow so we take what we learned from them, apply it to what we have now and also set examples for our children.

The reality is, it’s not written for every woman to get married, that’s just the nature of the beast because the ratio of women to men in this universe is about 3:1.  If you’re meant to meet him you will meet him. We can’t fight the forces of nature.  So if you’re 25 and not married and worrying, relax, you’ve got your whole life ahead of you. Literally.  The world is your oyster.